Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
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IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out