*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
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me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
iPhone X
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Good morning, Twitter x
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Anyone want a chair?
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.