just having fun
You Might Also Like
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*