driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
2022: I can fix it
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit