Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
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Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
just gave your address to some spiders
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol