If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
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me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
What my back needs
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I just ran a .003048K
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Me :
All Day At Night
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming