Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
You Might Also Like
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
The cashier just checked me out.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there