The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
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Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.