Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
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[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Very good! 👍😂
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.