I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
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I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter