while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
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My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Sniffing the broccoli
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation