Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
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Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…