You Might Also Like
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now