The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
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Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
I am HOWLING at this
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.