Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
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Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks