Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
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Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat