If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
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Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Seas the day!!!!
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.