how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
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What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Noah was an idiot.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.