I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
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I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.