FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
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I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Jesus Christ lmao
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons