JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
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the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Jesus Christ lmao
#Caturday
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.