I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
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The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
nice challenge
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
If only.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
#oldknees
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.