You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
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[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.