Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
You Might Also Like
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I mean…but I did
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Fixed this for Shakespeare
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.