saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.