me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
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everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute