I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
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More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!