lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
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Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I feel seen.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
This classic never gets old . . .
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.