If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
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Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
This could’ve been an email.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.