Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
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Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
I’d use my best pan on you.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
When I pack too much for a short trip.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”