The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
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Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA