I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
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Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
No regrets in 2018
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0