[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
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Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*