Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
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get you a girl who
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”