God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
You Might Also Like
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle