Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
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Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.