Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
You Might Also Like
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I know
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?