Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
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I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.