Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
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[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Check your privilege
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Breaking news:
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.