Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
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Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I’m awake but I object,
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself