My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
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*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy