I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
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Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT