Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
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If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Mornin
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.