in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
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The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
ok this is my dumbest yet
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.