If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
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A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib