“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
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I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.