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Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”