“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
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Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Good morning!
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time