As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
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them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”