What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
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Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
lol
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Breaking news:
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*